Do your children have an after school or evening crash? Where the emotions become so big and seemingly inconsolable. They may show meanness, disrespect and altogether uncooperativeness. Mine certainly does! What is this about and why do they fall apart at this critical point of the day— when we’re juggling dinner, siblings, wrapping up loose ends with work… It can be overwhelming for all and can lead to huge meltdowns (theirs and maybe even yours). Sometimes these are exacerbated by blood sugar crashes, hunger and tiredness from a big day, of course, so get ahead of this time with healthy snacks and some pre-dinner protein.
Believe it or not, this time of day is when kids are finally settling. I call it “Release Time” because it’s when all of those big feelings they’ve been carrying around with them all day release. It’s like an eruption of sadness, anger, frustration, loneliness, fear, shame…
Whether your child is 2, 10 or anywhere in between, Release Time is necessary for their emotional well-being. Children need to get their emotions out in order to feel integrated and connected to themselves. They’ve been moving through the day having emotion-inducing experiences and have not typically had opportunities to actually feel the feelings to completion. They’ve had to mask their feelings in order to get through the day, feel socially accepted and wait for you (their safe person) to be there for connection.
Release Time is successful when kids truly are able to feel their feelings to completion. So how do we manage this when we are juggling all the things?
Be prepared: Preparing yourself by regulating, turning on some calming music, feeling your feet on the ground and breathing. Prepare your child, “I know you often need to release your big feelings in the evenings when I’m cooking dinner. That’s a hard time for us and it’s hard for you to get the connection you need right then. Let’s find another way for you to get those big emotions out that you’ve been carrying around today.”
You can also be prepared by knowing that evenings are tough and doing some prep work beforehand so that you’re not as busy at 5 or 6 pm when Release Time sets in.
Connect before Release Time: Set aside time for your child to express themself to you in which you’re present and available. You can get out the art supplies, rough-house, write in a journal back and forth, have a dance party, swing at the park….. This helps get the ball rolling on releasing energy (emotions are just energy). And it allows your child the connection they need to get through their emotions. This connection is also called co-regulation. When you have coregulated with your child, they are less likely to unconsciously create a reason to have a meltdown in order to get those emotions released.
Lean in to your child’s experience: Leaning in means letting your child have their emotions. We don’t have to rescue, to distract, to convince them of the irrationality of their feelings or behavior. We just let them know, “I see you. I hear you. I understand you. It makes sense that you’re feeling that way and it’s got to be really hard. I am here for you.”
When we see Release Time for what it truly is— a child’s nervous system seeking integration and co-regulation— we are able to shift perspective and allow our kids to be who they truly are. And after they’ve released, our kids are calmer, more cooperative and more able to connect.
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